It's a good thing that urine is sterile

Attention parents:  I will pay $5,000 to anyone who can come to my house and potty-train my kids.  I don’t want advice or encouragement.  Please just come here and do it for me.  Because I am a dismal failure.

The stats as of Aug-31-11:

• 8+ mths of potty training
• 6 potty training bootcamp week-ends
• 1 kid still in diapers
• 1 kid in undies…mostly
• 2 pee accidents per  day… minimum
• 0 poops in the potty for Charles…not once… in 8 months.

C and B have hit all their other milestones without much effort, which is unusual for twins and we know that we've been fortunate.   But it makes this potty training thing all the more frustrating.  To paraphrase Go the F*ck to Sleep:  How come you can do all this other great shit but you can’t walk to the freaking bathroom and pee?

A childhood friend had an uncaged pet rabbit.  I was pretty disgusted at how Mr. Flopsy would hop around the house pooping little rabbit pellets randomly on the carpet.   Well, that's pretty much where Charles is at right now.  Until very recently, he didn't even notice that he had to go, much less could he hold it long enough to make it to the potty.  This I can understand though - he can't help it.  It's just taking a little longer for his bladder to mature.

Becca on the on other hand, I can't figure out.  She was doing great back in June but now... regression city.  She's fine as long as she's bare-bummed.  But put pants on her and she has an accident about 50% of the time.  It's hard to motivate her. She'll tells me she WANTS to wear diapers and be "a tiny little baby."  I've tried all the usual things like stickers, candies, potty dances etc.  Even warnings that she can't go to preschool until she's trained.  Nada.

Logically I know they aren’t tormenting me intentionally.  Every child develops at their own pace and you can’t force it until they're ready. Blah blah blah.  But lately I'm starting to suspect they ARE doing it on purpose. 

Things hit a new low last night.  I was walking past the pantry and found Charles standing on a stool in front of the freezer with the door open.  He had a huge grin on his face, his pants were around his ankles and he was PEEING INTO THE FREEZER!!!

WTF!?!  What would possess him to do such a thing?  And more importantly, how do I get him to do it in the toilet??   Perhaps I should be happy.  He did recognize that he had to go and he pulled down his pants first.  That's a big step forward....right?

Greg had to step in to deal with the aftermath and talk to Charles about it.   I was too busy hiding in the bedroom so C wouldn't see me doubled over with laughter.

Sadly, I didn't get a photo of Charles caught in the act.  Instead here is another pic of him at the freezer (recklessly helping himself to a freezie).    You'll just have to use your imagination to picture the peeing part.


Scissors + wobbly stool.  What could go wrong with that?

Have a good long-week end everyone.  The weather here looks great for one last trip to the beach for the kids and maybe some binge drinking for mommy and daddy.


Cheers!


PS: I did throw out most of the food from the freezer....but not all of it.  Do keep that in mind if you ever drop by for dinner. 

How I taught my kids the 2nd most offensive swear word in the English language.

I'm sad to report an unfortunate escalation in the level of profanity in our household.

The twins' foray into salty language started innocently enough.   If they tripped or dropped something, they’ll pipe up with an “oh darn!” or “oh crap”.   We let it slide because frankly, it was adorable.

Adorable turned to hilarious in June with the douchebag incident. One morning Charles was resisting getting dressed and I jokingly warned him that “only a douchebag walks around with no shirt when it’s 17 degrees out. You don’t want to be a douchebag do you?” Fast forward 2 days. We’re at the grocery store and in walk a couple of Jersey Shore rejects....

Kinda like this only less cut and more orange.

Charles shouts with unrestrained delight “LOOK MAMA!  IT'S A DOUCHEBAG!”  And just in case anyone missed it the first time, B chimes in with “No Mommy, ITS TWO DOUCHEBAGS!”   Yeah, I should have been embarrassed but I  was laughing WAY too hard.  Just the idea of these two yahoos being called out by a couple of two-year olds.   It was priceless.

Where does my tolerance for bad language end you may ask?  I found out last week-end.   I do make some effort not to swear in front of the kids but occasionally something slips past the filter.   At breakfast I burned myself badly on a hot pan and let out an emphatic  “Mother f#cker!”  The kids didn’t seem to notice and I forgot about it. 

Later that day, I was investigating a suspicious silence and found them out in the garage playing in the tent trailer.  They were taking turns mimicking my transgression and giggling like mad.   Conventional wisdom in these situations is don't make a big deal about it.   If you scold them or worse start laughing, they may use the word even more, just to get a reaction.    So I ignored it… but it didn’t go away.  

They found many opportunities to break out their new word.  In the car, in the house, while at camping....  We were walking in the woods and came to a fork in the trail.  Charles didn't know which path to choose so he throws up his arms and shouts "MOTHER F#CKER!!"  Greg and I just about peed our pants.  Is there some kind of parenting medal for not laughing in situations like that? 

It’s typical really.  They never pick up any of my fake curse words like “Firetruck!” or “Son of a Biscuit!”  or  “Mother of Pearl!” or "Jeebus Crispies"  But the one time I slip up, it’s burned on their brains forever. 

So we had a long talk and I think I’ve convinced them to edit it from their vocabulary.   The big stumbling block was that Charles wanted to know WHY it was such a bad word.  WHY would it make people sad if he said it?   Would it be ok he said it when he was alone?   I had trouble coming up with a good response.  I'm certainly not going to explain the definition of the word to a 2 year-old. 

I will probably explain when they're older though as an additional deterent.   I recall an incident from my junior high days.  My dad and I were arguing about whether I was allowed to use the word ‘bugger’.   It was a popular insult among my peers and I didn’t see the harm in it.  Finally my Dad asked if I even knew what the word meant.  Turns out I didn't.   Having my Dad explain it to me was probably the single most mortifying incident of my teenage years.   I have never uttered the word since.  Even now just typing it makes me shudder.

Unfortunately, it will be years before I can pull something like that with the twins.   In the mean-time, we’ve added #6 to our whiteboard.

The scariest freaking thing on the internet.

So it turns out that having a blog is just another thing for me to procrastinate.  There’s so much that I’ve wanted to write about these last two months but I keep getting bogged down with the notion  that I have to catch-up first.  Well, clearly that’s not going to happen so I’m going to take the advice of Flylady and not even try, just jump in where I am.

So here it goes....

I recently discovered something even more terrifying for the twins than coyotes.

It's always a struggle to find activities to occupy B and C during the “witching hour”.  That's the stretch of time right after I pick them up from dayhome when I try to cook supper and they try to  destroy the house and/or inflict serious injury on each other.  They used to watch cartoons but now it seems they're too cool for Treehouse.   As B puts it “But it never stops, Mama.  It just never stops.”  I can't argue with you there.

They do, however, love watching You-tube videos.  I’ve created a few playlists of nursery rhymes and kids songs but they kept asking me to replay or skip videos which defeats the whole purpose.  So I taught them how use the mouse to select and play videos on their own.  This worked great.  I was amazed at how well they cooperated, deciding which which video to watch next and taking turns with the mouse.   I kept an eye over their shoulders so I could jump in quickly if they clicked onto something inappropriate. 


But it turned out that danger lurked in an unexpected place.    One day they stumbled onto this video. 

On the surface it seemed harmless.   Then the screaming started.  Full-on blood-chilling screams.   Incoherent wailing, tears pouring down their faces.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I ran over and scooped them up trying to figure out what calamity had caused such an extreme reaction.  Crushed fingers? Electric shock from the computer?  Razor blades in their cereal bars?   I had no idea it was the video.  They finally calmed down enough to explain.  “The sheep said “Baa”, Mommy.  It was so scary.  Don’t play that Baa Baa Black Sheep EVER AGAIN!!!” 

I am ashamed to admit that I briefly considered recreating the incident so I could capture their reaction on video, but that would be evil... bordering on child abuse... so you’ll have to take my word for it. 

I still can’t put my finger on what exactly was so terrifying about poor Baa Baa Black Sheep.  Sure the animation is lame and dialogue stilted.  But the twins love all the other nursery rhyme videos from Rajshri.com which are just as weird.  

So they don’t go on Youtube by themselves anymore.   And I'm still looking for a new distraction for witching hour.

The Grocery Store

Background:  It’s Saturday afternoon and as usual, I have no food in the house.  Greg is away on a business trip and due back that evening.

The plan:

1)      Quick trip to Sobeys to pick up the bare necessities. 

2)      Return home in plenty of time to prepare awesome June Cleaver style family meal.

3)      Spend evening basking in the glow of our domestic bliss.

What actually happened:

2:00 pm:  We’re going to the grocery store kids.  Get your coats and shoes.   

2:15 pm:  Still looking for coats and shoes.

2:25 pm:  Referee argument about whether Charles is a girl or a boy.  “Charles you’re a girl!”  “No Becca, I’m a boy, I HAVE A PENIS!!!”  Sorry B, you aren’t going to win this one.

2:30 pm:  Finally in the car pulling out of the driveway.   A little behind schedule but we can recover.

2:33 pm:  Hey look kids, a dump truck.  Wailing screams “I wanna see the dump truck again!  Mama, make the dump truck come back!” 

2:45 pm:  Arrive at Sobeys.  Toddlers happily climb out of car and walk cheerfully holding Mama’s hands through the parking lot.  Uh oh.  There’s only one two-seater “truck cart” left.  Hurry, hurry, hurry.  Noooooo!!  Young couple with baby takes the last cart.  That's right, two parents with ONE baby.    Glare at them in hopes they will realize the error of their ways.  Seriously, that kid’s like 8 mths old -- he can’t even reach the steering wheel.  Grrr newby parents.     

2:50 pm: Try to negotiate some arrangement to use a regular cart.  One toddler in the seat and another in the back?  One in the seat and one walking?   Foolish Mama doesn’t know the first rule of twins.  Everything must always be exactly equal.   Two toddlers walking? I’m not that crazy.  Abandon Sobeys and load whining toddlers back into car.    

2:55 pm:  Hey look kids, a school bus.   "Mama, could a school bus protect us from coyotes? " Um sure, why not.

3:05 pm:  Arrive in the Superstore parking and select one of their lovely 2-seater shopping carts.  Twins loaded up.   "Weeeeeee!!  We’re going really fast.  This is so much fun, Mama!"

3:10 pm:  Produce aisle.   "Apples! Bananas! Cucumbers!"  Explain logically and respectfully why twins cannot eat any of the delicious but unwashed and sold by weight produce.  Instead offer the selection of pre-packaged, processed snacks I’ve brought with me. 

3:11 pm : Rebellion. 

3:12 pm: Screaming is starting to attract attention.  Bedlam finally quelled by quick side trip to cookie aisle.  Box hastily ripped open and cookies doled out.

3:15 pm: Continue shopping in blissful, blissful silence.  Oblivious to the glares from other parents whose children also want cookies.  Ha ha! Sucks to be you.

3:20 pm: Ear splitting screech. “That’s my cookie!”  It's OK Charles, you can pick another one from the box.  “No, I just want the one that Becca has.”  Here have 2 more cookies, just please stop clawing at your sister's mouth.   “Get it out of her tummy!!!!  GET! GET! GET!”   Use fabulous slight-of-hand skills and pretend to extract a cookie from Becca’s mouth.  Crisis averted.     

3:25 pm: “I wanna walk!  I’m a big kid!”  No Honey, it’s too crowded.  “But we will be careful Mama.  We will stay with the cart.”

3:26 pm:  They didn’t stay with the cart.

3:28 pm:  Runaway toddlers rounded up and stuffed kicking and screaming back into the cart.  Seat belts on and pulled really, really tight. 

3:33 pm:  “Thirsty!  Mama, I’m so thirsty!”

3:35 pm:  “Pee!!  I have to go pee!!”  Red alert.  Drop everything and weave cart through obstacle course on quickest route to the washrooms.  Futile effort to convince B to utilize the facilities despite terrifying auto-flush toilet.  Ok fine, just pee in your pull-up. 

3:45 pm: Back in the cart, happy and singing loudly.  “Jingle bells, Batman smells”  Much better than screaming right?  Apparently not, judging by the glares from passerbys.  Lighten up tight-asses! 

3:50 pm:  Visit to the lobster tank (aka “the monsters”).  “Mama, they look mad.”  Well, wouldn’t you?

3:58 pm: Referee argument over whether Baa Baa Blacksheep is "Funny" or "Kinda mean". 

4:00 pm:  “Poop!!  I made poop!”  F@&K!!!!  What kind of moron parent forgets to bring the diaper bag?  Agonizing long trek to the far corner of the store to grab a box of diapers and wipes.  Good lord child, what did you eat?   Back to the washroom.  More hysteria over the autoflush toilets.  Guess what! The industrial hand dryers are also terrifying.  Charles lets out a high-pitched shriek that would put a classically trained soprano to shame.   Long soothing cuddle on the bathroom bench.

4:15 pm: To the checkout…finally.  Empty the cart with one hand, the other busy restraining twins trying to climb out.  “But Mama, we just want to help you!”   Mobilize toddlers to transfer groceries to onto the belt.   Inefficient but terribly cute and elicits smiles and coos of delight from other customers.   Hey, this is going great, we should do this more often.  Tug of war over eggs…disaster.  

4:18 pm: Scramble to bag own groceries, sooth dual temper tantrums and avoid slipping on the remains of the eggs.  Bottleneck.  Groceries pile up on the checkout behind me.  Why why why, do I keep coming back here to this awful store?   More glares.   A few understanding smiles.   Finally groceries loaded, tears dried and toddlers back in cart.  

4:25 pm: Let's not even mention the chaos that ensued in the parking lot.

4:35 pm: Referee argument about whether a kangaroo could protect us from coyotes. Have I mentioned that my kids are terrified of coyotes?

4:45 pm:  Back home...finally.  Groceries put away.  Time to start dinner?  Screw it, I’ll order a pizza.   

4:50 pm:  Time to go get Daddy!  Hey, do I hear water running?  Check the bathroom to discover that Charles had blocked the sink drain with a towel and water is now pouring onto the floor.

4:51 pm:  Return to the kitchen for a mop only to discover that the twins have dumped an entire box of goldfish crackers on the floor and are now methodically stomping on each one, giggling lke maniacs.

5:00 pm:  Somehow get water and crackers cleaned up and twins buckled in the car in time to leave for the airport.

5:01 pm:  Cheer myself up by imagining what it must be like for parents of triplets.



Chowing down on the cookies.



Checking the list



Back in the car, pretending to sleep while I load up the groceries
...apparently exhausted from their 'ordeal'.



The much coveted truck cart at Sobeys.  ("the horn on the truck goes beep beep beep")

Terrible twos

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead;
And when she was good,
She was very, very good
But when she was bad she was horrid.

-Longfellow

My dad used to quote that poem a lot when I was a kid.  It must have been written about a two-year old.  One minute so sweet and grown-up and then the next …Holy mother of crap, what is wrong with my children?   This past few weeks, we’ve spent WAY too much time on the devil-spawn challenging end of the spectrum. 

Sounds like they're pretty good at dayhome and they’re mostly angels for Greg but with me, it’s mayhem.  It’s like they save up all their frustration and stress during the day and then let it all out for Mama. 

The top 5 issues:

1)   Random physical attacks:  Charles can’t resist mauling Becca (tickling, wrestling, pushing etc).  Sometimes it’s in anger but mostly it’s playful like running up behind her and tackling her to the ground.  When I intervene, C protests innocently, “I was just wrestling” or  “I was just playing London Bridge.”  Becca gets her shots in too but I worry more about Charles; he weighs like 25% more and it’s hard for B to defend herself.  Good thing she’s a fast runner.   She’ll come tearing towards me with her arms up “MAMA!!  Protect me from the Charles!! ”

2)  Fighting over toys:  This is nothing new but lately it’s reached epic proportions.  There is no reasoning with them.  Screaming, hitting, throwing – at one point, Charles picked up his airplane riding toy OVER HIS HEAD and flung it across the room.  Scary stuff.  Even reading books was off the menu because they’d fight over the pictures.  “That’s Becca’s tree.”  “No, it’s Charles’ tree”  “NO, BECCA’S!!!”  “NO CHARLES’!!!”   <Ear-splitting high-pitched scream>

3)  Fighting over me: You’d think they’d be used to sharing me…but no.  

4)  Fighting over everything else:  Dishes, chairs, blankets, car seats, shoes, clothes.  You name it, my kids will argue about it.  And it doesn’t matter if we have two identical items, they’ll still fight over them.  I’d been warned about that but I didn’t truly appreciate how frustrating it would be.  I mean c’mon!  They are EXACTLY the same. 

Greg did come up with a pretty good system last month, to label the identical toys or dishes with a B or a C.  They can recognize “their letter” and that has prevented many disputes.   Although I did catch Becca chasing Emma with a marker the other day. “But I just wanted to put a B on her” … presumably so she could lay a proprietary claim.

5)  Do-overs: I understand this is fairly normal with toddlers but I still find it bizarre and sometimes laughable.   One of the worst recent incidents was when I foolishly removed B’s diaper in the bathroom instead of on the change table.  She had a complete melt-down, insisting that I should dig the dirty diaper out of the trash, put it back on her and the re-change her “properly”.  Full blown temper tantrum when I said no. Laying in a teary heap in front of the garbage wailing "Do-over! Do-Over!"

In a word, life has been chaos.  And at times I’ve been frankly ashamed at my lack of patience.  I used to be so patient.  I mean, my God, I waited for 5 years to have these kids, shouldn't I be more grateful?  Why does this stuff get under my skin so much?

But then last week, it was like a switch went off.  The twins played together for a full hour with no intervention.  No screaming. No mauling. No fighting.  It was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen - brought tears to my eyes.   They played an elaborate series of games.  First a version of house where they pretended to be Mommy and Daddy taking their “cars” to buy groceries, then took turns putting each other to bed.   Then they built a house…which was really just a random pile of crap but cute nonetheless.  Then they built a ‘waterslide’ out of blankets on the stairs and slid down it.  Then they packed pretend lunches in their backpacks and went on a pretend trip to the playground.  

Their 'house' (AKA pile of random crap).  A comment on my housekeeping skillz?  Probably.

It was amazing.  They were completely different kids.   I was too dumbfounded to think of grabbing the camera to take a video.   I’ve heard about this phenomena.  That’s supposed to be one the benefits of twins, that they entertain each other and you get all this free time, yada yada yada.  To date it’s been something of a myth.   I mean, sure they played together but it required my constant supervision and mediation to avoid WWIII.

Since that night I’ve seen more and more glimpses these strange, new well-behaved children.  Not all the time but it gives me hope that we’ve made it over the hump and we will soon leave the terrible twos behind us.  

And when we do, I'll miss this exciting stage of their development, watching them blossom into independence, learning to navigate this bumpy road we call life.  Ha ha... just kidding.  I won't miss it one bit.

Cheers,

Sandra 

Quote of the day

I found the twins standing out on our back deck with C clutching a plastic T-ball bat. 

Me:  Hey, you guys aren’t allowed outside without Mama or Dada.  It’s too dangerous.

Charles:  But Mama, I will protect Becca from da Coyotes.  I will hit dem in da head with dis bat.

Um yeah, easy there De Niro.

Emma the Cat

I’ve just came off a very busy couple weeks at work (and at home) which required me to take a self- enforced internet sabbatical to get everything done.    

There were many highlights including the first camping trip of the season which was a blast  --  both figuratively and literally (thank-you 70km winds for that free microderm abrasion treatment).    Then we spent the Victoria week-end in the garden (vegetables planted and 1/3 of the annuals are in, photos soon).   It’s also been a VERY rough couple weeks in the “terrible twos” department.   I do stand by my claim that 2 ½ kicks ass compared to 18 months… but man, 2-year olds have their challenges.  Note to self: buy earplugs….and more wine.

From the twins’ perspective, the most exciting development has been the addition of Emma the cat to our household.  Emma is an awesome cat.   She is good-natured, patient, loves people etc.  She came to us from our friends, Elaine and Tyler who are moving to the States and weren’t sure they should take Emma with them.  They travel a lot and worry that she wouldn’t get enough attention.  Also their two-year old daughter has decided she does NOT like Emma for some unknown reason.  

There is certainly no lack of attention at our house.  If anything its too much love.  The twins would cuddle and pet Emma all day if she would let them.  When she retreats under the bed for a break the twins plead with her to “Come back!!!  So we can be a family!”   Emma does venture out for cuddles with Greg and me each night after the twins are in bed.  I guess she prefers the company of beings who are more predictable and less shrieky.  Hopefully the novelty will wear off soon and E will be able to hang out with us without being constantly harassed by the twins.  

I’ve wanted to get a pet while the twins are young.  I had dogs growing up and it makes me a little sad to see B and C so afraid of animals.   I’m not ready for the responsibility of a dog but a cat seems to be a good balance.  The only real work is supervising that the cuddles stay gentle.    

I am a little worried about Charles developing a cat allergy.  He has been watery-eyed and runny-nosed all spring and I suspect that he’s allergic to snow mold or something.  But he seems to be ok with E so far -- and he spends a lot of time with his face buried in her fur with no apparent ill effects.

It’s neat to see B and C display so much empathy towards Emma.  They try hard to be gentle with her and get so worried when she’s hiding.  “Emma, are you scared?  Do you want to cuddle with my Mama? Then you won’t be sad.”   B kept asking to come home from camping because she was worried that E was all alone and missing us. 

I think it’s also good for them to see that Emma is an independent creature who doesn’t bow to their every whim.   It’s so funny to see Charles stalking upstairs with his stormcloud face, complaining that “Emma is NOT listening to me!!!”  Yeah, I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be <eyeroll>.

Cheers and happy Wednesday!
Sandra


Her full name: Emma Jane Soul-patch



Getting a cuddle from C and B



Up on the pool table - her favorite place to hide from the twins.



Outdoor adventures

I am thoroughly enjoying this spring outside with the kids.

It’s already a gazillion times better than last year.   Yet another example of how 2 ½ years old kicks ass compared to 18 mths.  I may yet realize my dream of working in the garden while the twins play.

When we picked this lot to build our house, we obviously didn’t have toddlers in mind (the drowning hazards, the forest filled with predatory animals etc.)  And the lack of fences is a big issue.  It will be awesome for grade school kids, but right now, it’s a challenge.  

It's important to us to spend lots of time outside with the kids but it can be frustrating.   Last year we had to constantly hover around them in a 2 foot radius to divert them from hazards.  And they’d run away.  Lord, how I hated the running away.  Our neighbor’s trampoline was a frequent target.  Nothing could dampen the siren’s song of that stupid trampoline.  And then I’d charge after them and round them up while they giggled manically because there is NOTHING more funny than me chasing them and looking like an idiot.

But this year they’ve had no trouble staying in our yard (so far).  Occasionally they cast a longing gaze at the trampoline and mumble sadly “The jumpoline is for big kids only” but that’s it.

And it’s the same thing with the front yard.  We spent all last summer trying to keep them off the road.  Endless discussions about the dangers of cars and getting lost that all fell on deaf ears.  This year, we drew a chalk line at the bottom of the driveway to mark the boundary and problem solved.  They stay on the driveway.  Of course we still have to watch them but we’re actually getting a little yard work done too.

Everyone has things they miss from their child-free days (free-time, a night-life, sleeping in,  privacy in the bathroom, etc.)  Those things didn’t seem like sacrifices to me  -- a small price to pay for the joy the kids bring me.  But I do miss spending a whole day working in the garden.  I squeeze in as much as I can during naps and after the kids go to bed but it’s not the same. 

I’m looking forward to this summer.  And oh boy, just wait until next year.


Throwing rocks into the pond (from a safe distance)



Look Mom, no escape attempts!




 

Inspecting some deer droppings.  "We won't touch it, Mama.  Poop is dirty"



 

Quote of the day:

Charles:  “Mama, up please. Up Please. Up PLEASE!!!!”

Me: “Sorry bud, I can't.  I’m already holding Becca.

Charles [angrily biting into each word]: “No, Mama.  You can carry TWO babies!  YOU! ARE! REALLY! STRONG!”