The Grocery Store

Background:  It’s Saturday afternoon and as usual, I have no food in the house.  Greg is away on a business trip and due back that evening.

The plan:

1)      Quick trip to Sobeys to pick up the bare necessities. 

2)      Return home in plenty of time to prepare awesome June Cleaver style family meal.

3)      Spend evening basking in the glow of our domestic bliss.

What actually happened:

2:00 pm:  We’re going to the grocery store kids.  Get your coats and shoes.   

2:15 pm:  Still looking for coats and shoes.

2:25 pm:  Referee argument about whether Charles is a girl or a boy.  “Charles you’re a girl!”  “No Becca, I’m a boy, I HAVE A PENIS!!!”  Sorry B, you aren’t going to win this one.

2:30 pm:  Finally in the car pulling out of the driveway.   A little behind schedule but we can recover.

2:33 pm:  Hey look kids, a dump truck.  Wailing screams “I wanna see the dump truck again!  Mama, make the dump truck come back!” 

2:45 pm:  Arrive at Sobeys.  Toddlers happily climb out of car and walk cheerfully holding Mama’s hands through the parking lot.  Uh oh.  There’s only one two-seater “truck cart” left.  Hurry, hurry, hurry.  Noooooo!!  Young couple with baby takes the last cart.  That's right, two parents with ONE baby.    Glare at them in hopes they will realize the error of their ways.  Seriously, that kid’s like 8 mths old -- he can’t even reach the steering wheel.  Grrr newby parents.     

2:50 pm: Try to negotiate some arrangement to use a regular cart.  One toddler in the seat and another in the back?  One in the seat and one walking?   Foolish Mama doesn’t know the first rule of twins.  Everything must always be exactly equal.   Two toddlers walking? I’m not that crazy.  Abandon Sobeys and load whining toddlers back into car.    

2:55 pm:  Hey look kids, a school bus.   "Mama, could a school bus protect us from coyotes? " Um sure, why not.

3:05 pm:  Arrive in the Superstore parking and select one of their lovely 2-seater shopping carts.  Twins loaded up.   "Weeeeeee!!  We’re going really fast.  This is so much fun, Mama!"

3:10 pm:  Produce aisle.   "Apples! Bananas! Cucumbers!"  Explain logically and respectfully why twins cannot eat any of the delicious but unwashed and sold by weight produce.  Instead offer the selection of pre-packaged, processed snacks I’ve brought with me. 

3:11 pm : Rebellion. 

3:12 pm: Screaming is starting to attract attention.  Bedlam finally quelled by quick side trip to cookie aisle.  Box hastily ripped open and cookies doled out.

3:15 pm: Continue shopping in blissful, blissful silence.  Oblivious to the glares from other parents whose children also want cookies.  Ha ha! Sucks to be you.

3:20 pm: Ear splitting screech. “That’s my cookie!”  It's OK Charles, you can pick another one from the box.  “No, I just want the one that Becca has.”  Here have 2 more cookies, just please stop clawing at your sister's mouth.   “Get it out of her tummy!!!!  GET! GET! GET!”   Use fabulous slight-of-hand skills and pretend to extract a cookie from Becca’s mouth.  Crisis averted.     

3:25 pm: “I wanna walk!  I’m a big kid!”  No Honey, it’s too crowded.  “But we will be careful Mama.  We will stay with the cart.”

3:26 pm:  They didn’t stay with the cart.

3:28 pm:  Runaway toddlers rounded up and stuffed kicking and screaming back into the cart.  Seat belts on and pulled really, really tight. 

3:33 pm:  “Thirsty!  Mama, I’m so thirsty!”

3:35 pm:  “Pee!!  I have to go pee!!”  Red alert.  Drop everything and weave cart through obstacle course on quickest route to the washrooms.  Futile effort to convince B to utilize the facilities despite terrifying auto-flush toilet.  Ok fine, just pee in your pull-up. 

3:45 pm: Back in the cart, happy and singing loudly.  “Jingle bells, Batman smells”  Much better than screaming right?  Apparently not, judging by the glares from passerbys.  Lighten up tight-asses! 

3:50 pm:  Visit to the lobster tank (aka “the monsters”).  “Mama, they look mad.”  Well, wouldn’t you?

3:58 pm: Referee argument over whether Baa Baa Blacksheep is "Funny" or "Kinda mean". 

4:00 pm:  “Poop!!  I made poop!”  F@&K!!!!  What kind of moron parent forgets to bring the diaper bag?  Agonizing long trek to the far corner of the store to grab a box of diapers and wipes.  Good lord child, what did you eat?   Back to the washroom.  More hysteria over the autoflush toilets.  Guess what! The industrial hand dryers are also terrifying.  Charles lets out a high-pitched shriek that would put a classically trained soprano to shame.   Long soothing cuddle on the bathroom bench.

4:15 pm: To the checkout…finally.  Empty the cart with one hand, the other busy restraining twins trying to climb out.  “But Mama, we just want to help you!”   Mobilize toddlers to transfer groceries to onto the belt.   Inefficient but terribly cute and elicits smiles and coos of delight from other customers.   Hey, this is going great, we should do this more often.  Tug of war over eggs…disaster.  

4:18 pm: Scramble to bag own groceries, sooth dual temper tantrums and avoid slipping on the remains of the eggs.  Bottleneck.  Groceries pile up on the checkout behind me.  Why why why, do I keep coming back here to this awful store?   More glares.   A few understanding smiles.   Finally groceries loaded, tears dried and toddlers back in cart.  

4:25 pm: Let's not even mention the chaos that ensued in the parking lot.

4:35 pm: Referee argument about whether a kangaroo could protect us from coyotes. Have I mentioned that my kids are terrified of coyotes?

4:45 pm:  Back home...finally.  Groceries put away.  Time to start dinner?  Screw it, I’ll order a pizza.   

4:50 pm:  Time to go get Daddy!  Hey, do I hear water running?  Check the bathroom to discover that Charles had blocked the sink drain with a towel and water is now pouring onto the floor.

4:51 pm:  Return to the kitchen for a mop only to discover that the twins have dumped an entire box of goldfish crackers on the floor and are now methodically stomping on each one, giggling lke maniacs.

5:00 pm:  Somehow get water and crackers cleaned up and twins buckled in the car in time to leave for the airport.

5:01 pm:  Cheer myself up by imagining what it must be like for parents of triplets.



Chowing down on the cookies.



Checking the list



Back in the car, pretending to sleep while I load up the groceries
...apparently exhausted from their 'ordeal'.



The much coveted truck cart at Sobeys.  ("the horn on the truck goes beep beep beep")